As A Jewel Of Gold in a Swine's Snout..

As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.  Proverbs 11:22

Noah Webster described discretion like this:

1. Prudence, or knowledge and prudence; that discernment which enables a person to judge critically of what is correct and proper, united with caution; nice discernment and judgment, directed by circumspection, and primarily regarding ones' own conduct.

2. Liberty or power of acting without other control than one's own judgment; as the management of affairs was left to the discretion of the prince; he is left to his own discretion.

The primary audience I have in mind when writing here is one of women, Christian women, like myself. Wives, mothers, grandmothers, daughters and sisters. And this topic, I think, applies more particularly to women. That is not to say that all men are discreet, only that many women are indiscreet. It seems to be accepted as inevitable, with little or nothing being taught within Christian circles about how women should learn to practice discretion.

The aged women likewise...that they may teach the young women...to be discreet. Titus 2:3-5

 This is especially noticeable to me when I read fiction written a long time ago. Even fiction written by women. I offer the works of Jane Austen as an example. More on that later.

One of the ways I have been a witness (and a participant) in indiscretion is in the seemingly insatiable way that women want to know everything that is happening in the lives of every person they know. If the woman is a mother, this desire is often accompanied by a sense of entitlement to know every detail. Family members, church attendees, friends, even distant acquaintances, no one is excluded or protected from the constant acquiring and collecting of data. And to what end?

Obviously, the first use that comes to mind is gossip. Once she has the information, what else would she do with it except share it? After all, nothing hides indiscretion better than making it universal and therefore, normal. But even if she has the incredible self-control necessary to keep the information to herself, the tidbits themselves are up to no good within her mind. She is judging, comparing, formulating advice, imagining conversations, misunderstanding relationships, destroying reputations and wishing ill of others, all within the confines of her own brain box.

While it is fairly common to hear admonitions against gossip from the pulpit or in books and articles directed at Christian women, it is rare, VERY rare to hear anyone speak against wanting to know things in the first place. I can only think of one instance, and think it was in a radio broadcast by Elisabeth Elliot. I am just now coming to understand the peace that comes from not knowing things.  

I have my husband to thank for bringing this understanding to me in a very practical way. The Bible speaks of discretion, and in a non-personal, intellectual way, I probably believed I knew the meaning of discretion. It wasn't until we arranged a marriage for our daughter that I learned from experiencing it how discretion feels, how it works, what it entails, and what a blessing it is. How did he do this? Simply by not telling me things. He would speak with the father of our now-son-in-law, and my husband did not offer to let me know the things of which they spoke. He wasn't purposely keeping it from me, it wasn't that I asked and he refused to tell me. He just didn't think most of what they discussed was important or relevant to me. And he was right. (As usual.) I am not a naggy sort of person, and I trust my husband, so if he didn't offer up information, I didn't ask.

It wasn't until the whole thing (the arranged marriage) was done that I realized how blessed I was to have been out of the loop for most of the conversation. Now I can see that I would have been fretting over nothing, worried about mole hills, concerned for disaster, when actually everything was smooth sailing. I was spared much heart ache and nonsense that I might have created for myself. After we told the story to others, I was surprised to find that much of the shock people had was not so much that we arranged a marriage, but that I, the mother, was not intimately involved in the details. Other mothers could not even imagine letting their husbands handle such a thing, and even if they let them, they would want to be consulted at every step and be told every word spoken on the subject.  Why? Because they, like the old me, have no understanding of discretion. They are, unfortunately, like bejeweled swine. 

Our family has been hurt by indiscretion. You have probably been hurt by it. People say things they shouldn't say because others want to hear things they shouldn't hear. After the hearing, the information gets distorted like a typical game of Telephone. Woe is everyone if the information gets re-shared.

My challenge to you, Christian woman, is this: Try not to know. Try not to desire to know. Reject hearing about things, even when the information is offered without your asking. Don't ask people about their relationships. Don't ask for or listen to people talking about OTHER PEOPLE'S relationships! Are the ladies next to you discussing the courtship of so-and-so with what's-her-name? Move to a different seat so you can't hear. If someone begins a statement with, "Don't tell anyone about this because the whole family doesn't know yet...."  RUN! Did you hear me? RUN! This is not for you to know.

Sometimes, for whatever reason, we come into the knowledge of something that either does not concern us, or only concerns us in a very peripheral way. When that happens, resist the urge to dwell on it. Or to make judgments. Your first impressions may be wrong, or the entire situation may change so much over time that your revelations to others on the matter will result in hurt that never needed to occur. Here I am going to return to my previous mention of Jane Austen. I am sorry if you are not familiar with her books or with the movies based upon them. Maybe this blog post will inspire you to take a look.

 In "Pride and Prejudice" the main character is the second oldest of 5 sisters. Her name is Elizabeth Bennett. During the course of the story, Elizabeth becomes privy to information about two other characters who eventually become the husbands of two of her sisters. As I watched this being portrayed in a movie, I felt very strongly that Elizabeth should go share this information. I felt is so strongly, that I nearly wanted to jump out of my chair and shout it at the older sister, Jane. In my mind, Jane would have been comforted to know that her suitor loved her, but was dissuaded from marrying her because of the undue influence of his rich friend. Why wouldn't Elizabeth immediately tell Jane about this?

Elizabeth, does share her information about the other young man with her sister, Jane, but only because Jane is known for her kind heart and her discretion, and Elizabeth needs the advice of her sister with how to deal with this potentially explosive information which could ruin the reputation of the young man, as well as that of a young lady who was formerly involved in a scandal with him. Jane advises her to let the information die with them.

The women in "Pride and Prejudice" tend to fall into two, very distinct categories. Those who are discrete, and those who are not. Only Elizabeth seems to fall into neither category. This is fiction, so it is easy to force women into boxes, but in real life, none of us are fully one or the other. The indiscreet women are portrayed as having bad character (Lydia, Kitty, Mrs. Bennett, Lady Lucas), while discreet women are generally portrayed as being good. These distinctions do not exist, or barely exist today. Most of us would be hard pressed to identify an act of indiscretion, and we are all so thoroughly immersed in our own indiscreet and loquacious ways, that we wouldn't dare point a finger at another woman. One woman even tries to make lack of discretion into a virtue.

So Elizabeth shares her secret knowledge of  Mr. Wickham, but doesn't reveal what she knows of Jane's would-be-suitor, Mr. Bingley. In the end, things work out. Jane is married by Mr. Bingley, never having been hurt by the information known by Elizabeth. Mr. Wickham's bad character is revealed on its own, without any assistance from Elizabeth, protecting the reputation of the more-or-less innocent third party. Mr. Wickham marries Elizabeth's youngest sister, Lydia.

What is striking to me is that during the 19th century, it was obvious to everyone that women have a problem with discretion and that discretion was considered a virtue. Today, if we don't immediately tweet something we heard or saw, or we wait one day before making a facebook post about something, we are considered to be highly restrained. What also struck me as interesting about the 19th century, was that it was not considered necessarily inappropriate for a man to rebuke a woman for public bad behavior. If a man tried that today, he would probably get sued and the woman would remain offended until the day she died.

I recently (within the past 3 years) had a man rebuke me for interrupting him in a conversation. The rebuke was strong. I fully deserved it, but it was quite the blow because I am so used to being allowed to run all over people. I had unconsciously come to believe that civilized men don't attempt to restrict the behavior of women. We just do as we please and expect our husbands to cover for us. Or intercede for us. My husband was right there when this happened, and said nothing. He knew I deserved it, too. I had to use all the power of my logical brain to force down my feelings that the man was trying to offend me. He intended no offense at all. It was just a statement of fact that he had let me finish my thought and he was entitled to the same courtesy. It was terribly embarrassing for me, not just because the poor man had to call me out, but also because I was not saying anything at all worth saying. I was adding NOTHING to the conversation. I just wanted to talk. I just insisted on having my say on the matter and more. It was shamefully indiscreet. My husband is such a patient man to even take me out in public.

It is much too late to try to cut this short, so I will just leave this here. I  hope you were edified. Writing this has been a good and much needed reminder for me.

Conformity To The Rules

For all of my life I have been concerned about the rules. Attempting to analyze my child self I see a girl who believed obeying the rules was a sign of moral superiority and deserving of praise and promotion. I wanted to be the teacher's pet. I was a tattle-tale. I found security in the rules and my experience in the government schools reinforced that security.

By the rules I mean not only the laws of the state and ordinances of the town, but also the organizational guidelines put in place to make places like schools operate efficiently. For example, standing in line when told, raising a hand and waiting to be called on before speaking, putting my head down on the desk when the teacher was losing control of the classroom, and other rules like that. I could not imagine why anyone would NOT want to obey the rules. I was disgusted by other children who continually flaunted the rules.

I don't have any memories of my parents reinforcing my obsession with rules. I don't remember that they found me irritating, either. My father was a referee for high school sports competitions, and I was always very proud to have a father who was an enforcer. If he had been a cop I would have been over the moon, I suppose.

When I played house and had my imaginary children, they were always perfectly obedient. Why wouldn't they be? Don't all normal, smart children want to obey? I had many experiences baby sitting and I hated it. The children I cared for were persistently disobedient. After I actually had children of my own I always like my own children but never really liked other people's children. It wasn't really that I didn't like them, so much as I was annoyed by them. Other parents didn't make their children obey the rules. Did they want their children to grow up to be criminals?

Secretly, I believed that God was impressed with those who obey all the rules. I have always been careful to stop for a full 3 seconds at stop signs, to stay below posted speed limits and to drive the correct direction in parking lots (as determined by the arrows painted on the pavement). Then I got married to my husband. He doesn't care one wit about rules. He thinks that people who drive should be smart enough not to collide with other drivers, even in the absence of arrows painted on the pavement. He actually believes that driving safely and accident free is more important than following rules. This has caused me physical stress. In some cases, I thought I might even have a heart attack as he drove the WRONG WAY in the  parking lot at the grocery store! What would the neighbors think? How can society exist in such anarchy? "We MUST obey the arrows," shouted every cell in my body.

He laughed. He occasionally poked fun at me, but for the most part, he just ignored me. I am finally starting to really see the difference between self-government and obsessive rule-keeping. And this has changed me. I can finally appreciate people who are different. People who cannot or will not conform their behavior to the acceptable societal norms. These people weren't in need of me or my acceptance of them. I was the one who was impoverished by keeping them at a distance because of my annoyance.

This brings me back to other people's children. I have noticed a near explosion in the number of children I see who are on the autism spectrum or have special personalities that are quirky. In the past, I would have been very uncomfortable around these children. I probably would have been pretty judgmental of their parents for not making them behave appropriately. (Mind you, I still get miffed with parents who don't bother to train their children how to act in public, but I'm talking about children whose issues have nothing to do with training and everything to do with how they just ARE.) But when I stop worrying about the rules, I can allow myself to get to know these children. They aren't dangerous because they speak out of turn. My day is not ruined by their intense interest in spiders and their insatiable desire to tell me about it. So what if they sit upside down on the chair? What is that to me?

What is good? And what does the Lord require from us? Do justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with God. (see Micah 6:8)

There is nothing in there about obeying all the rules. Certainly nothing about proudly obeying. It isn't a great accomplishment at all.  I was trained to obey by my schooling. That was reinforced by my military training. My husband helped me to get unindoctrinated. I am trying to humbly make a new start. I don't want to be conformed to this world (and its rules), but to be transformed by the renewing of my mind.  It's a life-long journey, I'm afraid. But as the old saying goes, "I'm not what I oughta be, but thank God I'm not what I used to be."

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

I have some respect for Vyckie Garrison at No Longer Quivering for avoiding the intellectual dishonesty which would accompany her beliefs if she was still claiming to be a Christian. But she doesn't make such a claim. She admits the Bible says that women are to submit to their husbands, but she doesn't believe the Bible is the Word of God and doesn't believe women should obey the Bible. Her position is consistent.

This woman is different. And to her I say, if you believe you know the will of God apart from and directly in opposition to what He has revealed in His Word, you are deeply deceived and the truth is not in you.

Her name is Natalie Klewja. Here is a sample of her writing:

Although I had kept journals since I was in high school, I rarely wrote down bad incidents that happened in my marriage because I believed that the verse “love keeps no record of wrongs” meant if I loved my husband I would try to forget anything negative that happened between us.

She says this in her blog post entitled Three Things to Put in Writing (and Three Reasons Why). The first thing she tells wives is to "(w)rite down incidents that stir your emotions." She goes on to say, "You’ll want to write down everything you can remember. Body language, words used (on both sides), your emotions at the time, any background information, thoughts that were running through your head, things you suspect but don’t know for sure, as well as things you do know for sure"  I have to admit, this sounds a LOT like a woman who is keeping a record of wrongs. As a woman, I do this in my head all the time. It serves to feed negative emotions and the next thing I know, I am accusing my husband (in my mind) of hating  me and plotting my demise, because obviously if he loved me, he wouldn't have left that cabinet door open in the kitchen when I've asked him thousands of times to close it when he's finished, right?  I can't think of a worse idea for anyone, let alone a wife, than to write down the details of an incident that stirred her emotions. But my criticism is not based on whether the idea is stupid but rather, does it violate the Scriptures?

Natalie says that she used to feel bad about writing down negative incidents because of the verse "love keeps no record of wrongs." Let's look at that verse, in its context.

Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
⁵ Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; ⁶ Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;⁷ Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.⁸ Charity never faileth

In case you aren't aware, we are looking at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a.  It appears that Natalie used the NIV Bible, which translates the last phrase of verse 5, where the KJV says "thinketh no evil" as "keeps no records of wrongs." Does this passage seem ambiguous to anyone? Charity (translated as "love" in many Bibles) doesn't think evil. A wife who is trying to love her husband does not even think evil of him, let alone write down all of his perceived faults and "things you suspect but don't know for sure."

Allowing your emotions to lead you is the path to insanity. Unless you are planning to blow up your family like Natalie did, do NOT take her advice. Unless you are planning to disregard God's directions for behaving in love towards others, do NOT take her advice. The Bible is not a buffet. We don't get to eat what we want and leave the rest. If "love keeps no record of wrongs" does not mean what it says, then please explain exactly what it does mean. I don't see any way that it could mean, "Keeping records of wrongs is loving." That is just impossible. Impossible.

Men Are Different From Women - That Doesn't Make Them Evil

God made women different from men. Surprised? I hope not. These differences include being sexually aroused by different things. Also, men have a sex drive that can be near constant, believed by  scientists who study such things to be caused by higher levels of testosterone. A woman's sex drive is correlated with her fertility cycle. Men don't have fertility cycles. They are fertile all the time. In fact, within a man's gonads the production of  sperm and the other fluids that make up semen is perpetual. That's right, 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, the man's body is preparing to procreate.

As a woman, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about men's issues, but sometimes they are thrown in my face. (I guess that's why they call it "facebook") Today, this happened. I was reading a wonderful little article which was talking about JRR Tolkien's private views on sex.  The article contained excerpts from letters he wrote to his sons, warning them about the temptations associated with sex and the dangers of friendships with women. The beauty of the article was not that Tolkien had said anything novel or remarkable, but he was describing ordinary men, and giving what should be ordinary advice to his sons. He placed sex acts in a religious context and admonished his sons not to become tools of the devil by perverting a good thing. He admitted that men are not naturally monogamous and would, if unguided by religion, mate with many women. He wasn't  promoting that, mind you, he was just letting his sons know that their urges and temptations were normal, but were not to be acted upon. My enjoyment of this article was ruined by some Christian woman coming in there and commenting that she felt sorry for men because they were so sexually depraved and had to live that way every day. Apparently, not having the same feelings and desires as women makes a man depraved? Nonsense.

Here is the quote:

 I really like this article, but it always breaks my heart to hear about a man's sexuality. It is really troubling to hear how a man has to fight to be faithful and has to control his lust and desire for other women. As a married woman, I find this issue difficult. I don't have to make myself faithful to my husband I just am. I don't fight desire for other men, I don't have them. Sometimes it is hard to realize that while I'm faithful because I want to be or just am, my husband has to fight to be? It just is heartbreaking. I would like to think a husband is faithful, not just merely fighting his way through everyday telling himself no to every possible sexual conquest.

She clearly has no concept of her own sin nature, first of all. And second, why is her heart "broken" about God's design? I wonder if her heart is broken over women who deprive their husbands of due benevolence? What about the women who desire to deprive their husbands but have to fight every day to be loving instead? Is her heart broken over that? When she says she doesn't have to make herself faithful to her husband, does she mean only that she doesn't have to fight to keep from having sex with other men, or does she mean that loving her husband in a physical way (which is her faithful duty) comes easy to her every day? 

Since I'm thinking about men's issues, what happens to all of that semen if it does not get released? Sorry for being so graphic, but it is a legitimate question. Since the male body keeps making more, regardless of whether it has released the last batch, what happens when all the storage rooms are full? I would imagine it would create a fullness and desire to empty. Not totally unlike a full bladder. It's just a physical reality. It isn't a flaw and it isn't a sin.

Can we just stop making women out to be the pure ones and men the animals?

Divorce is Bad... mmmm kay?

Divorce is a terrible thing. I'm talking about what is called "putting away" in the King James Bible. Under the Law, there is no provision for a woman to "put away" her husband. Putting away, in the law, refers to a man deciding to no longer treat his wife as a wife. He denies her food, shelter or the marriage bed. Under those circumstances, the man must grant his wife a bill of divorce so that she is then free to live on her own, to return to her father's house or to marry another man without being charged with adultery.

Modernly, both men and women put away their spouses and we commonly refer to this as divorce, based upon the legal implications. I'll repeat my opening statement here: Divorce is a terrible thing. Divorce is putting asunder what God has joined and Jesus warned us not to do it. Unfortunately, it is pretty common today. This wouldn't be so distressing to me except that it occurs within the church nearly as often as it does outside the church. My dear brethen, this ought not to be.

I've seen the statistic that two-thirds of divorces in the U.S. are initiated by the wife. I don't have any reason to dispute that fact. What is even more disgusting than the fact so many women are willing to openly blow up their families and cause harm to the their children because they are not haaaaaaaapppy is there are even more women who are looking for the chance to do the same. There are women, even Christian women, who are privately hoping their husbands will have an affair so they can have an excuse to divorce them. And some do even more than merely hope, they scheme and behave in ways that will encourage a husband to have an affair. For example, withholding sex with the hopes that their husbands will either divorce them or have an affair.

I won't go into detail about it but I encourage you to read what Dalrock wrote about it here.

Interestingly, right after I read Dalrock's post I was directed to this article at the Huffington Post titled 5 Reasons You Should Have Sex With Your Husband Every Night. It was a perfectly reasonable admonition written for women who really want to have happy husbands and good marriages. The comments were somewhat predictable. There were the feminists who objected to the idea of a woman trying to make a husband happy. There were the naysayers pointing out that men were supportive in the comments because men are predictably all about sex.  What was a bit surprising to me were the number of women who admitted in the comments that they don't want to have sex with their husbands and don't intend to do it, no matter if it makes him miserable. And one of them said something like, "I've told my husband he isn't going to get it here, so he should just go have an affair and then come tell me about it."

Apparently women, themselves, admit they withhold sex and want their husbands to have affairs. What she didn't admit, but which is to be assumed, is if her husband actually followed her advice, she would be filing for divorce faster than a rabbit running from hoe-wielding gardener, on her way to collecting cash and prizes. And, of course, her husband gets to be the bad guy.

I know of a woman who claims to be a Christian that went so far as to press charges against her husband for raping her. After he went to prison, she was able to quickly get her divorce and sole custody. Who can be against a woman whose ex-husband is a convicted rapist, right? Never mind that the alleged "victim" lived with him, shared a bed with him and didn't bother to move out after the first so-called rape. She stayed until "it" happened 3 times. So, since they are one flesh, I guess he also raped himself? What is marriage if it isn't de facto consent to a sexual relationship? But she just couldn't bring herself to divorce him when she had decided not to have sex with him anymore? She had to wait until she had deprived him and provoked him to the point that he did something not approved by the state? She had to destroy his life to get what she wanted? Apparently, yes, because otherwise SHE would be held morally responsible for the divorce in the eyes of the church. This way, she is the victim. Too bad he didn't just go have an affair. It would have turned out better for him.

Lest anyone would believe that I always assume the woman is responsible in a divorce, that is not the case. It is the case more often than not, but it isn't always the case. In the same manner, I believe that divorced women tend to be pariahs in the church, but I know that isn't true with all of them. A divorced woman is usually a danger to be avoided by a man looking for a wife, but sometimes she is a gem.

I wish the church would do more to discipline those who frivorce. (frivolous divorce) their spouses. I wish that Christians would be more outspoken about the damage divorce causes to children. I wish that people would direct their outrage at those who spread the disease of divorce in the church rather than at those who express their disgust with divorcers. I was accused of being mean for referring to the child of an unwed mother as a "bastard", but was the mother accused of being mean for bringing a child into the world who doesn't get to have a father living in his house? Her choice is ok, but me pointing out her choice is mean? Which of us does more damage to the child? When she starts caring about the welfare of her spawn, I may care also. Until she does, don't direct your attacks at me. I'm just a by-stander who will probably be asked to contribute to the care of said child because compassion.

In conclusion, God hates divorce. God does not like the perpetuation of bastardy. God intends for sex and procreation to occur within the context of marriage and He intends for the marriages to be life-long. That is God's program. Please get with the program or stop saying you are a disciple of Christ.

Suicide is Sinful

I probably don't need to tell anyone that the Hollywood actor Robin Williams killed himself this week at the age of 63. We are told that he suffered from clinical depression. Many have rushed to announce that he is now "at peace" and "no longer in pain." I beg to differ.

In death he is not a celebrity. In death he stands in judgment, as we all will.

Depression does not cause suicide. Suicide is a choice. If he had killed another person (homicide) would we be blaming his "mental illness" and saying he couldn't help it? Of course not. The man who kills himself does not fear God. He does not fear the Law-giver who said, "Thou shalt not kill."

I do not pretend to know what Robin Williams is facing now, whether he is in paradise or whether he is burning in the fires of hell. But I do know this, his fate is not dependent upon his fame or wealth. His fate, like the rest of our fates, is entirely dependent upon whether his sins are covered by the blood of Christ.

My sympathies do not go to the murderer who took his own life. I'm sorry for the ones who suffer in the aftermath of his evil deed.

Daughters of Disappointment

There are some vocal elements of the now adult home educated daughters that are a huge disappointment.  Knowing full well that their children won't be perfect, home educating parents nevertheless are hopeful that their children will face challenges and address problems in a manner that rises above the more common shrill rhetoric of mainstream feminism and for Christians, in a manner that follows the teachings of the Holy Bible. Alas, in that respect, many have failed.

In places like quiveringdaughters and recoveringgrace we see young women complaining that their parents and others involved in the home school movement misused the Scriptures which resulted in these women suffering unhappiness or worse. Some are claiming "abuse" with varying definitions, when they bother using definitions. The irony is, that at the same time they are decrying the misuse of the Scriptures, these women are ignoring them altogether in response to the alleged wrongs. They also blame their own moral failings, their own sin, on others. While calling for others to repent, they ignore or excuse their own sin.

Especially amusing, or perhaps sad, are the ones boldly proclaiming that everything taught by Bill Gothard is nonsense at the same time that they demonstrate their violations of the "principles" resulting in their own misery and, dare I say it, "youth conflict". Can you say "root of bitterness?" How about "balancing guilt with blame?" Do any "take up the offense of another?" Is a lack of gratitude contributing to mental instability?

If they wish to take the moral and Scriptural high ground, it would behoove them to bring their accusations from Scripture. It would be appropriate for them to follow the procedures taught in Scripture for confronting offenders. Otherwise, all of their pointing fingers should be pointing right back at themselves.

In spite of their bitterness, lack of witnesses, inability to describe how they were sinned against, for the sake of argument let us agree that some egregious wrongs have been committed against them. What then? How does that make them so very different from every other young woman who has ever been raised on this planet full of sinners? What makes them believe that every woman who is not making a global case of her dysfunctional childhood has had some sort of perfect or charmed upbringing? What really sets these women apart is their response -- their belief that they are somehow special, or different, or entitled. This is where their home schooling parents have failed them. Somehow this is a generation with an unreasonable number of entitled-minded children. A generation who had their every triumph, from peeing in the potty chair to graduating kindergarten recorded and perhaps even uploaded to the internet. They were taught that everything about them was special and different. And they believed that.

"God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life" was transformed in the minds of these youths to "You alone matter in the world, and everyone else should order their life in such a way that you are recognized and pampered to the fullest." If their parents held opinions or made decisions with which these women disagreed, the parents are now labeled as "abusers" and "legalists." The parents couldn't possibly have been trying to protect them, but were simply trying to make them miserable and prevent them from having fun. It is all so obvious to them now, and thank goodness there are other women out there who recognize and will acknowledge their mutual pain.

If any of these women truly desire to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, if they truly want to do what is right, I hope they will consult the Scriptures. I hope they will seek out God's plan for people with hurts. I hope they will follow his commands for confronting a brother who sins. I hope they will uphold the law of God above the law of their own feelings. Because there is so much more at stake than their hurt feelings. There are homes and families that could well be damaged or destroyed by their selfishness. Their attempts to get others on their side rather than to do what is right will cause division in families and churches.

Proverbs 14:1 Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.

If it is foolish to pluck down one's own house, it is downright evil to pluck down the homes of others. This would include the ministry of others. Those who do no trust God, but believe they are the arbiters of what shall stand are dangerous. The desire to destroy rather than to reconcile is an evil desire. To gloat and cheer over the fall of a brother is evil. It is not righteous. To break up relationships between parents and their children for the sake of gaining victory is evil. Do not do it. I will not end well for you. God is not on your side.

Exodus 20:12 Honor thy father and they mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

Ephesians 6:1-3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and thy mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.

It is one of the big 10. Honor your parents. Paul extends that with "obey" your parents. It could be understood from these verses that when a person doesn't honor his father and mother that it might NOT go well with him and he might not live long on the earth, couldn't it? To whom was this command given? To those with perfect parents only? No, to everyone with parents. That includes parents that aren't so great. This command used to be taken pretty seriously. Even when a man had pretty rotten parents, and that man was given some sort of forum like a book or a newspaper, it is rare to see a man dishonoring his parents in words. At least until pretty recently in history, when it has become vogue to do so, almost required.  You would think that some Christians believe they have some sort of DUTY to dishonor their parents instead of honoring them. Perhaps God won't know their parents were bad parents unless these women expose them? God says not to do that. God says to honor them. Let God judge. He sees. Ladies, for your own good, don't do it. Obey God rather than Oprah.

Matthew 18:15-17   Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

Dear lady, if you believe you have had a trespass committed against you while you lived at home with your parents, and your parents are believers, then it falls upon you to go to them and see if they will hear you. If you have not done this, then YOU are the one in sin. Note also, that this is for sin. Your parents are entitled to believe differently from you about how to raise a daughter.  Just because you didn't like the household rules does not make them sinful.  Search the Scriptures and see if they have violated the law of God concerning you.

Here is the advise that your friends are not going to give you. Move on. If you have left the home of your parents, if you are married, if you  are a mother, take this opportunity to become the great mother that you think your mother was not. Using the Scriptures as your guide, form your own family standards, direct the upbringing of your own children in the best way you can. Stop blaming your unhappiness or your lack of achievement or, God forbid, your sin on your parents and others. That is a cop out and it doesn't bring healing, no matter what you may hear from psychology or your friends.

Take responsibility for all of your own behaviors. Find your own happiness.  Be a grown up and stop acting like a toddler.