Charity Suffereth Long

Many, many years ago, when I was a young wife and mother, I heard a wise woman say, "The real test on whether you are willing to serve is how you  react when people treat you like a slave." The context of her remark was a discussion on what it means to be a bond slave of Christ. What does Christ ask us to do and was He willing to do the things He asks of us? It seems to be a simple answer. Of course we serve willingly, even to the point of suffering, right? The apostle Peter explains well in his first letter in chapters 2 and 3. I don't want to reprint the whole thing here, you can read it for yourself, but the premise is basically that Christ suffered as an example for us. We are supposed to suffer! And that suffering often comes in the form of other people asking (forcing?) us to do things we would rather not. If we are following Christ's example, we submit willingly, with joy even.

As wives though, we seem to believe that in our relationship with our husbands we should not only NOT suffer, but that we are failing in our roles as helps meet for them if we don't judge their every behavior and insist that they do everything they can to prevent us from feeling like slaves. This is more true with men who are kind than with men who are tyrants, because if a man genuinely sees his wife as his slave, he really doesn't care how she feels about it.

What has prompted me to write about wives as slaves, you ask? It was this article titled "My Wife Divorced Me Because I Left The Dishes By The Sink." I don't think it was written by a Christian man, but it was posted on facebook by a Christian woman who, while she wasn't advocating divorcing a husband over this issue, did say that it was part of her job to train her husband and children not to make her feel disrespected or feel like a slave. It gave me a sick feeling in my stomach and I have spent the better part of two days trying to understand why I think she is so wrong. I want to articulate the error in a way that is both accurate when compared with Scripture and edifying in terms of helping wives to love their husbands and children. (Titus 2:4)

First, let me say that no one is responsible for your feelings. No one. No person can MAKE you feel this way or that. Also, feelings can be wrong. Feelings can tell you lies. Just because a person feels disrespected does not mean that her husband disrespects her. It is unfair, and I believe a bit outrageous, to impose attitudes or thoughts on a man that he, himself, does not have. A wife does not get to define her husband's love for her and she would be completely outraged if he attempted to do the same. For example, if a husband said, "IF you really loved me, you would always do what I like. You would never wear clothing except when others are around and you would initiate sex 3 times every day. If you don't do that, you don't love me."  Most wives would protest. Most wives would say that everything she does, she does out of love for him, including having children, cleaning the house, preparing meals, etc. How could he even THINK that she doesn't love him just because she doesn't do everything he wants all the time?

But in this article, the wife does precisely that. She claims that because she is extremely bothered by dishes on the counter, her husband makes her feel unloved and disrespected by leaving them there. Even though he is not motivated in any way by disrespect or dislike when he does not put the dishes into the dishwasher. From his description of her, she sounds obsessive about the dishes, which is not unusual, I see myself in that obsession. But her obsession does not become the standard of righteousness for everyone in the world. There is nothing immoral about putting a glass on the counter rather than inside the dishwasher. The fact that it makes her blood boil is HER problem, not his. For her to make it into his problem when he has a perfectly healthy attitude about dirty dishes is highly unloving on her part, and I would say that HER behavior borders on being immoral.

Divorce is not an option for me. Having that as a starting point is good, because instead of going towards that end when my feelings are telling me lies, I am forced to look at myself and say, "Do you want to live in misery, with these feelings, for the next few decades? Or do you want to stop telling yourself lies about your man's motivations so that you can move forward and enjoy your marriage and your life?"  

It is just so much more useful, not to mention it is the only thing that I have control over, to simply change my perspective. Instead of dwelling in my imagination on the ways he could behave differently in order to demonstrate his love and care for me, I can choose to think of how I can demonstrate my love and respect for him in ways that are meaningful to him. You may be familiar with Jesus' admonition "as you would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." (Luke 6:31)

We call this the Golden Rule, because it is so very practical and there are few situations in which it does not apply. In Philippians 2, the mind of Christ is described as not looking upon your "own things" (meaning your own interests and desires) but to look upon, instead, the "things of others". This includes the "things" of your man. The Apostle Paul tells us that Jesus himself "made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant." Should we not, dear wives, "follow his steps"? (1 Peter 2:21)

Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again, when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him who judges righteously. (1 Peter 2:22-23)

Even if my husband sins against me, my place is not to judge and to make the rest of my life revolve around that. That would be hateful. Yes, dwelling on, tattling on, carrying on about the sins of others is hate. 

Hatred stirreth up strifes: Ouch. Dare I heat up my big pot of hatred, stirring and stirring until the strifes are bubbling up, perhaps overflowing? But... but... but... this Proverb tells us what to do instead:

But love covereth all sins.(Proverbs 10:12)  Yes. If my husband has sins, even sins that are against me, the command of God to love my husband means that I cover those sins. I bury them. I do not stew, and I do not return sin for sin. Nor do I play the martyr, but in LOVE, I forgive and move on. I find ways to reward him with good from a meek and quiet spirit. 

The Apostle Peter says the same in his first epistle, chapter 4, "And above all things have fervent charity among  yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins." (verse 8)

Those are only of few of the passages that come to mind on this subject. I could write an entire book. The Scripture is replete with instructions to die to self, to care for others, to love without expectation, to dwell at peace in ones own house, etc. Be instructed by the precepts of God's law to love your neighbor, including that very close neighbor, your husband.